This Week's Opening Thought: December 19, 2022

This week's opening thought for melanated folx: at some point in time, we have to talk about the generations of codependence many of us are carrying in our brains and bodies.

We have to talk about how codependence has impacted how we navigate the world. We have to talk about how the roots of our codependence often lie at the intersection of ethnocultural toxicity and societal norms. We have to talk about how at the core of our codependence, we can usually find a cocktail of systemic oppression, racism, and white supremacy that many of us grapple with every day.

We have to talk about how codependence has led many of us into overextending ourselves in a quest to help everyone and fix everything, to the detriment of our mental, physical, and emotional health. We have to talk about how for many of us, our codependence led us into careers in community work and equity and anti-racism work. Then we have to talk about how that work is killing our brains, bodies, and souls because we have only ever had to engage with being codependent, not being healthy while helping others, and maintaining healthy boundaries. And when we talk about this work killing parts of us, we also have to be willing to have honest conversations about the toll of this work. We have to talk about being honest with organizations that want to hire us to "fix" their racism, equity, and inclusion problems about the toll of this work. And we have to talk about it with clarity and an understanding that the work is theirs to do and not your responsibility, regardless of pay.

We have to talk about how codependence has been modeled for us by our parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents and forced upon us as "taking care of our own" instead of the lack of boundaries and self-care that it is. We have to talk about how the codependence fostered in us from an early age has made many of us feel inadequate and like we're failing at work and in our families. We have to talk about how we can break the cycle and make sure this codependence isn't passed on to the next generation by engaging in the uncomfortable work of unpacking our codependence. And by doing that, we have to talk about having honest conversations about our codependence with family members, parents, and grandparents while crafting and maintaining healthy boundaries in those relationships.

Look, I know this sounds daunting, and some of it hurts when you read it. But you deserve to be healthy – personally, professionally, within your family, and workplace. It's a lifelong journey of unpacking and maintaining, fighting the urge to do it all and fix everything because taking care of everyone and everything but yourself is in your DNA. From my ongoing experience as a recovering codependent, I can tell you that it's not easy, but it's worth it.

Take care of yourself today so the weight of our generational trauma is lessened for the next generation.

That's how you take care of your family and community.

This Week's Opening Thought: December 5, 2022

This week's opening thought: I've had many companies and team leaders reach out to me for equity and anti-racism training and consultation over the years. During this time, I would say that half of those who've reached out to me for my services seek someone to convince their white leaders and team members that they should care about every person they work with. And that's one of the core problems with what many people believe equity and anti-racism work is: finding ways to dupe someone into caring for others.

There is no method or belief system built into equity and anti-racism work that can "convince" someone to care about the lives and societal and generational trauma of others. No one should have to be "convinced" that they should care about others. No one should have to con someone into being a human being that cares for others without kudos and photo ops. You can't trick someone into caring about Black lives, queer lives, and the struggles of Global Majority communities. You can't sucker someone into caring about accessibility and safer, braver spaces for all.

If you can't care about others without someone massaging your ego and constantly reinforcing your need to believe you're a good person? Then I'm still not convincing you to care.

I'm being asked to give you a participation award while co-signing and normalizing your lack of interest in empathy and compassion unless it benefits you in some way.

And you're asking me to do this as a Black man in the United States.

You're asking people who are a part of communities that are consciously and unconsciously harmed by those you want them to "convince" to do the heavy lifting. And if you're seeking those services, you've likely convinced yourself that this was the only way this work could be done in your organization.

I'm convinced many of y'all need more than convincing.

This Week's Opening Thought: November 28, 2022

This week's opening thought: If candidates, hiring managers, and staff members in your organization give you feedback on your interview process, and you hear your organization's interviews feel like:

• Interrogations;

• High-pressure situations where candidates feel like they have to show how much they love your company to possibly work for you (without knowing anything about your workplace culture other than what you've told them) instead of being evaluated for what they'd bring to your company;

• You're making candidates run a gauntlet of sorts with seemingly endless interviews in a lengthy months-long process;

• or "gotcha" situations where candidates feel they have to give the "right" answers to be considered for the job?

Your company needs to re-evaluate its anti-racism statement, equity and inclusion statement, and the company values that they like to trot out and wave like a flag of honor because y'all aren't living up to any of that.

Just sayin'.

This Week's Opening Thought: November 21, 2022

This week’s opening thought: We’re coming off a weekend where the Trans Day of Remembrance was marred with the dark clouds of another violent hate crime. We’re also going into a week with a supremely problematic national holiday representing the erasure of Native folx and factual history in the United States during the month slated as Native American Heritage Month.

To say that this is a week of trauma on many levels for many communities is an understatement.

These are moments in time when I find myself struggling for words. I think about action and inaction and the impacts of both, regardless of intent. But mostly, I think about safety: whom our society believes is deserving of it, the absence of it for so many communities. At this time, the only thing that comes to mind is this:

Everyone deserves safety.

Physical safety. Emotional safety. It should be for everyone. It’s ridiculous that, overtly and covertly, it’s not.

Safety should not be a privilege only available to white cishet Christians on unceded land. No one should have to live with the understanding that you’ll pass on the generational trauma of knowing that you and those who come after you will likely never be or feel safe as you navigate the world. Hate should never be a core part of living freely and openly as yourself. We all should be able to live happily in our identities, our cultures, and our communities without the fear of murder. And if you disagree with any part of this?

You are a contributor to a clear and present danger.

My heart and soul go out to LGBTQIA+ communities, to trans communities, after the traumatic hate crime that occurred in Colorado Springs this past weekend. My heart and soul go out to the families and communities impacted by the terrorist attack at Club Q. And my heart and soul go out to Native and Indigenous communities in the United States as we approach a harmful and invalidating national holiday. May there be some peace and love for you amid so much trauma.

This Week's Opening Thought: November 7, 2022

This week's opening thought, especially for those with power, privilege, and positionality in the United States: Vote.

Take the time to understand the measures and politicians in your area that could harm Global Majority and marginalized communities and vote against them.

If you haven't gleaned anything else from this country's past few election cycles, you have hopefully learned that your vote has legitimate weight. Making informed decisions that factor in human and environmental impact has weight. Voting not just for yourself and your best interests based on your class and socioeconomic status but as a voice for others who have been oppressed and harmed for centuries has weight.

I don't have any fancy slogans or stickers to motivate you to vote and care about your community and communities that are your friends, neighbors, and co-workers. I'm operating on the hope that you'll learn from history and respond accordingly, a hope full of swiss cheese-sized holes that I cling onto because the alternative is depressing. I'm expecting y'all to be decent citizens, to be the "good people" y'all claim to be. I'm hoping that some of y'all will live up to those "good white people" personas some of y'all gleefully tote around and vote outside of your ego and wants. I hope many of you will do better than using voting as a social media gold sticker participation award selfie. I hope you'll vote with empathy instead of for likes and retweets.

Hope.

There's that word again.

Hope is all many people in this country have left to hold on to. And some of y'all don't realize how your vote has eroded the hopes of so many.

I want to believe that people can be better than the images they show me daily. I need to think people can be better because, well, hope. Even with it in tatters, I wear it like a blanket against the elements.

I'm not the only one.

Vote like there will be no hope left to hold onto.

Because there might not be.