On Cis Men, My Father, and Self-Regulation

As a cisgender man who has learned and continues to learn ways to self-regulate and practice mindfulness in a world that constantly attacks my intersectionality, let me say that I am EXHAUSTED with dealing with cisgender men who refuse to learn how to self-regulate and the apologists in their lives who coddle them and defend their toxicity. Where? At work, in the community, everywhere. I’m exhausted with this nonsense. And I’m exhausted because I’ve been dealing with this and fighting against how effortless it is to fall into this toxic and dangerous societally structured complacency my entire life in what feels like a losing battle.

I grew up with a father with no self-regulation skills who could not take in feedback or differing perspectives outside his own. He couldn’t take someone holding him accountable for his actions. He was not in touch with his feelings, emotions, or mental states, and we all suffered. My mother indulged him and defended his actions too many times, leaving my siblings and me to live in a home with a man who was constantly angry and lashing out at all of us at volume twenty over things as simple as taking out the trash. I left home at 16 because I was tired of dealing with his energy and constant threats of violence over every little thing. I’ve spent my entire adult life deprogramming myself so that I would not be a man like my father, only to find myself in a profession that gives me nothing but “opportunities” to protect and support people who have to work and live with men like my father.

And so many of y’all are like my father in how oblivious or uncaring you are about how harmful your unhealthiness is to those around you in all aspects of your life.

I’m tired of it, y’all. I'm tired of conversing with men who push back against the notion of being healthier and place the burden of their mental and emotional well-being on everyone else in their lives. I’m tired of cis men talking down to me or treating me like I’m “not man enough” because I lead with empathy and concern, even if I’m calling them in over their actions and impacts while they continue scaring everyone in their lives at least once a day. And I'm tired of how often these conversations and situations have white cis men at the center of the storm, placing themselves in the victim role while victimizing others.

We need legitimate accountability like yesterday for all cis men, melanin or none. And that accountability has to start with cis men holding themselves and other cis men accountable, followed by a dismantling of the codependence and ingrained toxicity of people who defend cis men's unwillingness to be more mentally and emotionally healthy as acceptable and “not a big deal” even when it puts them in danger.

Cis men: it is not OK to lash out at everyone and everything because you're having a "bad day" or had an interaction this morning that didn't stroke your ego or align with your narrow worldview of whose voice and opinions matter.

Cis men: it is not OK to escalate your voice and physical actions to threatening and possibly violent levels over any conversation or situation that doesn't go your way or leaves you feeling like you're being undervalued or your thoughts are disregarded. People have the right to disagree with you, not place you at the center of the universe, and expect you to be able to deal with not always getting your way or work to find some compromise. Do you know how many people and communities feel disregarded, undervalued, erased, and invisible and don't proceed to intimidate, scare, harm, or kill others? You need to get in touch with your emotional and mental centers just like everybody else.

Cis men: it is not OK for others to have to constantly share space with you, walking on eggshells because they feel that they have to be vigilant and tuned into trying to soothe and regulate you because you're unwilling to do this for yourself, and not burden others with your unwillingness to take care of your emotional and mental stability.

Cis men: you are not "victims of a changing world." If anything, you've been victimized by societal norms and familial systems from an archaic time that has bred you to believe that your behavior and unwillingness to regulate your anxiety, anger, and frustration in even the most mundane situations is somehow acceptably masculine and that being in touch with your mental and emotional health and well-being is considered the opposite. You've been victimized by the ingrained generational patriarchal belief that you don't have to change and that the evolving world should bend to your needs. But the victimhood in these matters ends there. It is up to you to learn and unlearn so that you can regulate, self-soothe, and not threaten others because cis men who don't have these skills threaten so many intersections and communities. At this point, the overwhelming number of cis men who have harmed or killed others because of the toxic societally accepted "norms" of masculinity is too astounding to ignore.

And if the cis man I'm describing is your husband, partner, father, son, or close friend? You owe it to them and yourself to stop defending their vitriol, hold them accountable, and unpack your codependence so you can be healthier too.

It doesn’t have to be this way today and cannot continue being this way in the future.

Little cis boys deserve better modeling and support around being mentally and emotionally healthier than their fathers, grandfathers, and uncles.

We all deserve this.

Black Poetry Tuesdays (July 18, 2023 Edition): "dream where every black person is standing by the ocean” by Danez Smith

The week’s poem is a piece from Danez Smith. Danez is a queer-identifying, non-binary poet, writer, and performer. In 2014, Danez won the Individual World Poetry Slam and the Lambda Literary Award for Gay Poetry for their book [insert] Boy. Their poetry collection Don’t Call Us Dead was a finalist for the National Book Award in 2017. Danez’s work as a poet, writer, and performer lies at the intersections of Blackness, queerness, societal definitions of masculinity, desire, gender identity, trauma, and joy.

The following piece is called “dream where every black person is standing by the ocean.” In this piece, Danez focuses on the generational trauma of the ocean, to those Black lives lost through kidnapping and chattel slavery as Africans were shipped to sales hubs via boat. This piece, while brief, is layered with the weight of generational trauma and loss with melancholy hints of rebirth.

dream where every black person is standing by the ocean

& we say to her

what have you done with our kin you swallowed?

& she says

that was ages ago, you’ve drunk them by now

& we don’t understand

& then one woman, skin dark as all of us

walks to the water’s lip, shouts Emmett, spits

&, surely, a boy begins

crawling his way to shore

You can learn more about Danez Smith here.

This Week's Opening Thought: July 17, 2023

This week's opening thought: I'm very explicit with sharing with other white people that I have six white friends. The few white people I consider good friends are around because they are invested in the lifelong work needed to be better people. They are actively anti-racist, humble, and can take being called in or out if they drop the ball without positing themselves as victims and turning on the tears. Real talk?

I only kick it with real ones.

Real ones don't view their relationships with melanated folx as some form of credibility for doing the bare minimum to not be "as" racist. Real ones don't collect melanated folx as a defense for being racist (see: I have a Black Friend). And real ones don't expect the Global Majority folx they know to defend their white supremacist, racist, and anti-Black rhetoric, beliefs, and behaviors when someone calls them in or out.

To the white people who know me in some capacity personally and expect me to protect or save them from getting checked: you want to swim out into the deep waters of white supremacy and anti-Blackness? You can go for it. But you best wear some floaties because I ain't David Hasselhoff. The only bay watching that's gonna happen is me sitting on the dock of the bay watching you sink. I don't care how long you've known me; I will never defend you when the thing you want me to protect you from is atoning for your hateful beliefs, actions, and rhetoric toward the melanated masses and my people. And if that is your expectation for our relationship?

Time to bone up on your breaststroke and butterfly.

And to the white people who know me offline: if you have to ask if you are one of the six? You aren't. And we're currently not accepting applications.

Image description: a four-panel meme. In the first panel, a white hand reaches out of an ocean, looking for help. Next to the hand is the caption, "White people I know hoping I'll defend them when they do or say something racist because they think we're close friends." The second panel shows a hand with a chocolate hue reaching toward the white hand. The third panel shows the chocolate-toned hand giving the white hand a high five. The chocolate-toned hand is captioned with the word "Me." The fourth panel shows the white hand sinking underwater with a few fingers still cracking the surface.

[Image description: a four-panel meme. In the first panel, a white hand reaches out of an ocean, looking for help. Next to the hand is the caption, "White people I know hoping I'll defend them when they do or say something racist because they think we're close friends." The second panel shows a hand with a chocolate hue reaching toward the white hand. The third panel shows the chocolate-toned hand giving the white hand a high five. The chocolate-toned hand is captioned with the word "Me." The fourth panel shows the white hand sinking underwater with a few fingers still cracking the surface.]

Black Poetry Tuesdays (July 11, 2023 Edition): "Primer for Blacks” by Gwendolyn Brooks

The week’s poem is a piece from Gwendolyn Brooks, a Black female writer, and poet who was the first Black poet to win the Pulitzer Prize in 1950. Gwendolyn was also the first Black woman to hold the role of Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress, a position now referred to as the Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry. She served as the Illinois poet laureate for 32 years.

Gwendolyn’s work is well-known for being steeped in her experiences and identities as a Black woman in the United States, with a unique ability to be militant and steadfast in her use of language and imagery while drawing in white folx who were fearful of the writers, poets, and artists that were a part of her generation of Black voices post-Harlem Renaissance.

The following piece is called “Primer for Blacks.” It is an interesting study on Blackness as a singular identity but also a view into how even if you have an ounce of Afro-Carribean blood in your DNA, you are still Black in the eyes of whiteness. It’s a great piece about reconciling one’s identities at the intersection of Blackness as well as anti-black self-hatred.

Primer for Blacks

Blackness

is a title,

is a preoccupation,

is a commitment Blacks

are to comprehend—

and in which you are

to perceive your Glory.

The conscious shout

of all that is white is

“It’s Great to be white.”

The conscious shout

of the slack in Black is

‘It’s Great to be white.’

Thus all that is white

has white strength and yours.

The word Black

has geographic power,

pulls everybody in:

Blacks here—

Blacks there—

Blacks wherever they may be.

And remember, you Blacks, what they told you—

remember your Education:

“one Drop—one Drop

maketh a brand new Black.”

        Oh mighty Drop.

______And because they have given us kindly

so many more of our people

Blackness

stretches over the land.

Blackness—

the Black of it,

the rust-red of it,

the milk and cream of it,

the tan and yellow-tan of it,

the deep-brown middle-brown high-brown of it,

the “olive” and ochre of it—

Blackness

marches on.

The huge, the pungent object of our prime out-ride

is to Comprehend,

to salute and to Love the fact that we are Black,

which is our “ultimate Reality,”

which is the lone ground

from which our meaningful metamorphosis,

from which our prosperous staccato,

group or individual, can rise.

Self-shriveled Blacks.

Begin with gaunt and marvelous concession:

YOU are our costume and our fundamental bone.

     All of you—

     you COLORED ones,

     you NEGRO ones,

those of you who proudly cry

     “I’m half INDian”—

     those of you who proudly screech

     “I’VE got the blood of George WASHington in MY veins”

     ALL of you—

           you proper Blacks,

     you half-Blacks,

     you wish-I-weren’t Blacks,

     Niggeroes and Niggerenes.

     You.

You can learn more about Gwendolyn here.

To HR Directors, Boards of Directors, and Senior Leaders: Don't forget to take your pills.

Image description: A meme. In the upper half of the image, a white hand is holding a medication bottle. The bottle is labeled "Hard to swallow pills." Below that statement is, "Instructions: Take one (1) without water as needed." The lower half of the image shows the white hands from above with three pills resting in the palm of the left hand. The caption reads, "HR should not have unchecked control and the final say over the equity and inclusion efforts in any company, no matter how much the senior leadership team and Board of Directors want them to."

[Image description: A meme. In the upper half of the image, a white hand is holding a medication bottle. The bottle is labeled "Hard to swallow pills." Below that statement is, "Instructions: Take one (1) without water as needed." The lower half of the image shows the white hands from above with three pills resting in the palm of the left hand. The caption reads, "HR should not have unchecked control and the final say over the equity and inclusion efforts in any company, no matter how much the senior leadership team and Board of Directors want them to."]