Both And

Sometimes I have to remind myself that many of the people in the United States pushing for gun safety and banning Critical Race Theory while attacking trans and queer communities are people who have allowed their trauma and familial and community influences to hurt them on a deep level. And hurt people hurt people. I have to make sure I'm considering that hateful views and bigotry are ingrained and learned behaviors often fostered in people from a young age by their families and communities. I must be cognizant of the trauma we all carry and how that trauma manifests as malicious weapons, especially for those with power, privilege, and positionality. I must acknowledge how white supremacist ideologies and societal norms influence how people overtly and covertly wield hate.

But I never have to remind myself that none of the above are excuses or passes for people to be sh—-y, hateful, and harmful to others.

It's both and.

Yeah, hurt people tend to hurt others, especially when they have the power and opportunity to do so. But just because you're unwilling to confront and unpack your generational and societal trauma and familial influences doesn't mean you get to place the burden of your hurt on those your skewed beliefs deem appropriate to oppress.

I can hold out hope for your healing and still hold you accountable for the harm you cause. I can acknowledge your trauma and expect you to work on your sh— and improve.

I will simultaneously check you and ask somebody to pray for your soul.

It's both and.

Why?

Because even if you're a hate-filled human being, you're still human. You're still worthy of love and care, even if you think me and my people aren't. You're still worthy of healing and support, even if you think other communities aren't.

Even though you may hate my people and me, I don't hate you. Even though you hate people and communities who have done you no harm, I don’t hate you. Why? I'm practicing living in health and joy. Practicing hate to respond to the hatred of harmful people stuck in their trauma does nothing for anyone. No person who has lived in a cycle of trauma and hate has ever been joyful about life.

I ain’t got time for that. Life is short.

Real talk? I hope you get to that place at some point in your life where your hate and trauma aren't your driving forces for the sake of everyone your unresolved pain harms. I hope you get to the point where you can be accountable for your words and actions and acknowledge your pain and the pain you create.

In the meantime, I'mma ask one of my religious homies to pray for your soul while praying for me to have the serenity not to want to lay hands on you while you sport your MAGA hat and act like you’re disappointed in me because I checked yo’ ass and you thought I was "one of the good ones."

Hey, I’m human.

Both and.

On Drivers, Passengers, and Road Trips

When you're in a position where you have privilege, power, positionality, or some combination of the three, you are more than likely the driver—the driver of your destiny, your learning, your unlearning, and your personal development and growth, which means your privilege allows you to actively and passively drive things for others who aren't as centrally positioned. But one thing most people seem to neglect thinking about is that when you have so much power as the driver, you need to recognize that half the time, you think you should be driving but would be better off as a passenger.

Being a good passenger is equally as crucial as being a conscientious driver.

Evolving as a person is more about how you engage and absorb information, insights, and uncomfortable truths about yourself and the world around you than it is about being in control of everything. As a passenger, I've learned and unlearned many things. By being humble enough to let someone else take the wheel and giving them an equal share of my power, privilege, and positionality, I have grappled with my discomfort, ignorance, and the hurdles to my growth and development. And I honored those drivers in those moments by paying them back for their time and energy, amplifying their voices, and sharing my own time, energy, and resources to let them be passengers when they wanted to be. If we're all claiming to be on the same road and heading to the same destination, we should be taking shifts as the driver and passenger to give everyone on the trip the chance to be heard, seen, supported, elevated, and to rest, especially those with less privilege, power, and positionality.

That's one of the best road trips, y'all.

That's the road trip to liberation for all.

This Week's Opening Thought: April 10, 2023

This week’s opening thought to any of us who want to be viewed as “allies,” “accomplices,” or decent people: the moment you believe that there is no learning and listening left to do is when you become a liability to those communities you keep claiming you want to support and elevate.

Suppose you’re closed off to learning, unlearning, re-learning, and re-envisioning what you’ve been told is the right way to learn by the white supremacist concept of education you were subjected to in your formative years. If that’s the case, you will be another contributor to the problems those you claim you want to help have been trying to overcome for generations.

Suppose you’re unwilling to hear new perspectives from younger generations. Suppose you’re reluctant to hear experience-driven views from generations living and doing this work before yours. If that’s the case, you will be another person contributing to silencing communities that are historically and systemically held down and often rendered invisible.

Suppose you’re unwilling to be called in or out for your words and actions. Suppose your response to being called in or out is not to hear what is being shared but to go on the defensive. If that’s the case, you are as much of a danger to those you claim you want to support and elevate as the rest of the world around them that is intent on harming them.

Do you like considering yourself a decent person who helps others? Well, decent people spend their lives listening and learning from everyone they meet who feels safer and braver enough to share their insights and experiences with them. Then decent people take what they’ve learned and heard, process it, pay people for their time and emotional labor in human ways, then apply their learning to themselves to improve and push others who share their power and positionality to do the same.

There’s no half-assing learning and listening, especially not when people’s lives and safety are in constant danger.

On Recruiting, Interviewing, and Dangerous Roads

To hiring managers and hiring committees: your beliefs around such topics as whether a candidate should receive the interview questions in advance or have a heads up on the structure of their interviews with you is in direct correlation with your current employees' job satisfaction, the working environment you've created, and your turnover.

When you begin your relationship with someone with a lack of empathy, unnecessary power plays, and "gotcha" tactics to "keep people on their toes," you set the stage for the experience that person is about to have with your company. These aren't one-off tactics or passing beliefs but the fabric of who you are as a leader, supervisor, and curator of workplace culture.

The recruiting and interview process is a two-way street, but if your side of the road is full of potholes and spike strips, people will stay the course and drive right by you.

And those who already took a pit stop with you will be prepping themselves to return to the road for a new place to lay their head.

This Week's Opening Thought: April 3, 2023

This week’s opening thought: I need white people, especially white people who have a great deal of power, privilege, and positionality in all spaces, to be honest about their lack of interest in dismantling white supremacy and their upholding of white supremacist ideologies and anti-Blackness.

Own your sh--.

If you want to read a bunch of anti-racism books for clout and bragging rights in an attempt not to apply what you’ve read and evolve your thinking but to seek kudos from melanated folx? Own that you only want gold stars, not meaningful change.

Do you think there’s no dismantling work you need to do because you’re not racist? Do you think that because you’ve got one Black friend or you “get along” with Black and melanated co-workers and neighbors, you’re “doing your part?” Own that you’re not interested in the lifelong work of maintaining being an anti-racist person.

Are you unwilling to hear from Black and melanated folx that you’ve harmed them with your words or actions without thinking it’s their fault, their “need to be the victim,” or that you’re justified in your hateful acts because melanated folx aren’t always friendly to you? Do you immediately think the person calling you in or out is trying to diminish your character because you’re a “good person,” and they should see that? Own that you’re unwilling to process the discomfort of owning the harm you’ve caused. Own that you’re not interested in anything but melanated folx validating your “goodness.”

If you want to prescribe to white supremacy-driven anti-Black double standards, denigrating Black women for their actions while applauding white women for the same actions in the same arena and on the same national stage? Own that you support whiteness and only support melanated folx and Black bodies when they conform to and make themselves palatable for whiteness.

Own who you are and what you represent. If you’re going to be a part of the 400+ year problem and hinder progress, have some integrity and own that it’s who you are.

What’s wrong? Why are you getting so agitated while reading this? I thought y’all liked ownership.

At least many of your forefathers did.