On Workplaces, Family Systems Theory, and "Family"

Work is not "your family."

It will never be "your family."

I hope you have a family, chosen or genetic, that is a healthy space for you as a growing and evolving person, but the workplace ain't it.

With that said, you better believe that work is still a toxic family system that we're knee-deep in for 40 hours per week.

And as you should with any family system you're a part of, you need to be clear about your perceived or forced role in the family system and what you want or think your role should be.

Just like family members, workplaces will prey on your co-dependence, need to be liked, need for validation and support, narcissism, lack of boundaries, and need for safety to force you into the role it thinks you should be in within its toxic family system. And that role often predicates some level of harm to yourself or others because workplaces are set up to be collaborative yet driven by individualism. You owe it to yourself to take the time needed to know your worth, capacity, co-dependence triggers, and toxic traits to work on so you can show up in your workplace's family system with better mental health, firmer boundaries, and intentionality.

Even if you work at Olive Garden, you ain't family while you're there. At least not a healthy one.

We all deserve better "family time" than what we're getting.

This Week's Opening Thought: May 8, 2023

TW: discussions of violence, gun violence, anti-Blackness, distortion of mental illness.

This week's opening thought: I grew up in Detroit, Michigan, in the 80s and 90s. At that time, Detroit was considered the most dangerous city in the United States. Its homicide rate was astronomical, with much of it attributed to gun violence. Growing up, my siblings and I grew accustomed to ducking and seeking cover at the sound of gunshots. As with most things related to the intersections of poverty, classism, systemic oppression, white supremacy, and anti-Blackness, politicians and pundits viewed gun violence in Black communities as an issue of values and upbringing. My community, Black communities, were told that the lack of fathers in our homes, a deficiency in morals, and a lack of “American values” were the catalyst for the gun violence in our neighborhoods. We were blamed for the gun violence in our communities, which increased the danger my community faced.

Then Columbine happened.

White U.S. Americans were shocked when the Columbine High School massacre happened in the Spring of 1999. As the news cycle ran with the story, the white shock became excuses and rationalizations for why two young white men killed thirteen people. White media ran with the narrative that these young white men had “lost their way.” Suddenly mental health and other conditions mattered because these young men “were raised by good families.” They were “good young men” who shouldn’t be judged too harshly for their murderous actions.

Fast forward to 2023, and the United States of America has had 199 mass shootings in less than five months. White men perpetrated all but a handful. The same excuses are used for their heinous actions over twenty years after Columbine. Meanwhile, Black communities are still facing the same hurdles with policing on physical and moral levels as poverty and generational trauma ignite gun violence in oppressed communities.

The wildest part of these two completely different narratives and treatments around gun violence in Black and white communities?

No one ever wants to talk about the damn guns.

In all this, the proliferation of and access to guns are never labeled as the issue they are.

After the past few weeks, with a mass shooting occurring almost every 48 hours, I'm confident that guns matter more than human lives in the United States. I'm more confident than I've ever been. Why?

Because whiteness has proven that it doesn't care about white lives over the right to own a gun and use it as you please.

And if whiteness will make excuses for white people gunning down other white people and white children while going out of its way to look past the elephant in the room?

Then the rest of us are chopped liver.

Once again, if whiteness won’t deal with its sh— and the harm it causes- we all suffer.

But you know, morals and a good upbringing and whatnot.

This Week's Opening Thought: May 1, 2023

This week’s opening thought: on my way home from a job interview, I peered out the bus window and saw a white man in black and red Chinese linens, traditional Beijing shoes, and a straw hat with what appeared to be a sake or wine crate under his arm. He was walking down the street without a care in the world. He strolled down the sidewalk with all the confidence of a mediocre white man who thinks they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. When I saw him, I looked twice because I was honestly taken aback. I don’t know the context or story behind his outfit, but I didn’t need to know any of that information BECAUSE HE WAS A WHITE MAN DRESSED IN A CHINESE STEREOTYPE COSTUME FROM SPIRIT HALLOWEEN.

So yeah, racism, anti-AAPI hate, and cultural appropriation are all still a thing, just in case someone out there thought otherwise.

This Week's Opening Thought: April 17, 2023

TW: Anti-Blackness, gun violence, white supremacist terrorism.

This week's opening thought: They're attempting to murder little Black boys because they had the wrong address.

They're shooting to kill through their front doors when they see little Black boys on their doorsteps. They have no hesitation when it comes to taking the lives of little Black boys, little Black boys who rang their doorbell by mistake because they had the wrong address.

They're aiming their guns at the heads of little Black boys who show up at their front doors with no hesitation, little Black boys who rang their doorbell by mistake, hoping to pick up their siblings.

They're stepping outside their homes and standing over the bodies of little Black boys they've wounded with no hesitation in front of their homes by shooting them through the front door, little Black boys hoping to pick up their siblings, little Black boys who had the wrong address.

They're stepping outside to finish off little Black boys who show up at their front doors with no hesitation, little Black boys who had the wrong address and rang their doorbell by mistake, hoping to pick up their siblings.

They're willing to leave little Black boys who had the wrong address to die on their front porches, aiming at their prone Black bodies and intending to end their lives as they lay on the pavement, hoping to take the lives of little Black boys who had the wrong address.

The neighbors in the neighborhood where little Black boys have the wrong address are more than willing not to help little Black boys who have the wrong address as they pull their severely injured bodies door to door, looking for someone, anyone, in the neighborhood to help them. Little Black boys are left crawling, bleeding from gunshots driven by the hatred of someone's white neighbor, watching as the neighbors of the person who tried to kill them refuse to help them.

Little Black boys who have the wrong address, who ring the wrong doorbell, hoping to pick up their siblings, lose their innocence and any faith in humanity they had in their souls because they now know how the world views them.

Little Black boys hoping to pick up their siblings but have the wrong address learn well before adulthood that white people who try to murder them get to sleep in their beds feeling justified in their actions and often facing no repercussions for their hatred-fueled actions.

Little Black boys with the wrong address learn that their existence means they will never get the justice they deserve because their lives don't matter to those with power, positionality, and a lack of melanin.

But the United States doesn't have a gun or anti-Blackness problem.

The United States doesn't have a white supremacist terrorism problem.

Everything's fine.

Everything's working as intended, right white people?

The Black people who work for you, with you, are working as intended today, right? I mean, it's Monday. They should be working for you and with you with smiles on their faces, right?

Everything's fine.

Everything's working as intended.

The Black people who work for you, with you, aren't physically laying in a pool of blood, clinging to life, looking for help. They're physically present at work, as intended, right? Sure. They're physically present.

But their souls aren't.

Their minds aren't.

In many respects, their bodies aren't present either. How could they be?

Black lives in the United States are inherently us ringing the doorbell and having the wrong address because it has always been the wrong address for Africans and their descendants still enslaved on unceded land.

They're attempting to murder little Black boys with the wrong address. Sometimes they murder the body, but they always murder our souls, hope, joy, and belief that we deserve to live.

But everything's fine.

Everything's working as intended.

To my Black people: take care of yourselves and your family and friends, even when your workplaces decide spreadsheets matter more than your body and soul. You matter, even if the world says otherwise.

Both And

Sometimes I have to remind myself that many of the people in the United States pushing for gun safety and banning Critical Race Theory while attacking trans and queer communities are people who have allowed their trauma and familial and community influences to hurt them on a deep level. And hurt people hurt people. I have to make sure I'm considering that hateful views and bigotry are ingrained and learned behaviors often fostered in people from a young age by their families and communities. I must be cognizant of the trauma we all carry and how that trauma manifests as malicious weapons, especially for those with power, privilege, and positionality. I must acknowledge how white supremacist ideologies and societal norms influence how people overtly and covertly wield hate.

But I never have to remind myself that none of the above are excuses or passes for people to be sh—-y, hateful, and harmful to others.

It's both and.

Yeah, hurt people tend to hurt others, especially when they have the power and opportunity to do so. But just because you're unwilling to confront and unpack your generational and societal trauma and familial influences doesn't mean you get to place the burden of your hurt on those your skewed beliefs deem appropriate to oppress.

I can hold out hope for your healing and still hold you accountable for the harm you cause. I can acknowledge your trauma and expect you to work on your sh— and improve.

I will simultaneously check you and ask somebody to pray for your soul.

It's both and.

Why?

Because even if you're a hate-filled human being, you're still human. You're still worthy of love and care, even if you think me and my people aren't. You're still worthy of healing and support, even if you think other communities aren't.

Even though you may hate my people and me, I don't hate you. Even though you hate people and communities who have done you no harm, I don’t hate you. Why? I'm practicing living in health and joy. Practicing hate to respond to the hatred of harmful people stuck in their trauma does nothing for anyone. No person who has lived in a cycle of trauma and hate has ever been joyful about life.

I ain’t got time for that. Life is short.

Real talk? I hope you get to that place at some point in your life where your hate and trauma aren't your driving forces for the sake of everyone your unresolved pain harms. I hope you get to the point where you can be accountable for your words and actions and acknowledge your pain and the pain you create.

In the meantime, I'mma ask one of my religious homies to pray for your soul while praying for me to have the serenity not to want to lay hands on you while you sport your MAGA hat and act like you’re disappointed in me because I checked yo’ ass and you thought I was "one of the good ones."

Hey, I’m human.

Both and.